10 meters

June 12, 2009

A few years back I took a holiday to Dubai with my parents.
I was in the Ninth grade and very eager to see the single building which housed the supermarket, Theater, Food court and car parking. The concept of a MALL was not established in India thanks to the absence of the same. So i got out of the hotel lobby and raised my right hand to summon a cab ( they drive on the opposite side of the road). The Toyota Camry with a yellow triangular prism on its roof with the word ‘TAXI’ printed on it suddenly stopped in front of me.

We got in.

As I sat inside admiring the inside of the  vehicle which was considered to be a rich man’s luxury saloon, the driver took a note of us. From the colour of his skin we knew he was also from the Subcontinent and i think he got the clue about us too.
He asked , ” Are you from Karachi ?”

My father said , ” No , Mumbai.”

I was skeptical about what would happen next. Would he ask us to leave. Or would he just throw us out from the moving cab. But my fears were soon put to rest when he replied

” Oh , Mumbai ! People look very similar in Karachi also.
I am from Lahore.”

His voice had a certain calmness considering he was talking to a person whose country had been in an on-off war state with his country for about 50 long years.

Well, u couldn’t blame me. I had never met a Pakistani before and having watched the extensive media coverage of the terrorist attacks I would have expected a much violent reply, to say the least.
More so, whenever  a Cricket match was played between the two, every six or wicket would result in a big uproar in various parts of the world making it audible from the Moon.

That was my first interaction with a Pakistani.
I wouldn’t say that it was a very negative experience.

Time passed, and although I did not really forget this event, i did not put much focus on this.
Sure, there were bomb blasts and trains burnt with alleged Pakistani support, but the ‘ Chalta hai ‘ attitude was catalytic in helping people forgetting it. All this happened  till the rich and famous were targeted and gunned down in one of the most posh and luxurious hotels in the country. The people – public and government suddenly woke up with vigour with a set of ministers running all over the country meeting the victims and trying to find out who was responsible.

Once again Pakistan entered the spotlight.

We all know the dreaded day – 26th November, 2008.

Terrorists entered the busiest railway station in the city, the most expensive hotel in the city, frequented by the hot shots of the financial capital of India and across the world. They fired at the civilians and pedestrians without any remorse and watched them die with a smile across their face.

The Government did claim to have found unquestionable  evidence  about the involvement of Pakistani Government, ISI, and various terrorist organizations. Immediately i was reminded about my interaction with the Cabbie in Dubai.
A couple of months later, I went on a trip organized by the IEEE committee.  We spent a few days in Amritsar and then visited the Wagha Border- connecting Amritsar to Lahore.

We walked through a road which gave us a clear indication that if we continued beyond a certain limit, we might actually be behind ‘enemy lines’.

At the border we saw a rather spectacular show by the Border Security Force (BSF)  as they marched across the road towards the dual set of gates that separated India from its biggest enemy. The gates were opened, trumpets were blown and people danced on the street. If they hadn’t been told to shout praises for their own country, I am sure each one from either  side of the border would have yelled the lungs out screaming abuses at one another. Never before in my life had i felt so Indian.

After what i would say was a ‘ back to the roots ‘ experience, the gates were closed and people were allowed to click pictures with the BSF jawans with the border in the background. After that we were allowed to go as close as 5 meters from the gate which had the letters ‘INDIA’ both in English and Devanagari script.

After this gate, that marked the end of India, was about 10 meters of land which belonged to neither and then a gate which had ‘PAKISTAN’ in English and Persian script.

At that point i was forced to think.
On 14th August,1947 Pakistan got its independence followed by India on the following day. That meant that each country could boast of 62 years of freedom.
But could either side boast of peace from across the border for even 1 percent of that freedom period???

So many lives had been lost, so much innocent blood had been bled, so many children had been orphaned, people lost all their belongings and became homeless, fled from both sides of the ‘Border’- all for just 10 meters of  ‘No- mans-land’. Even 62 years after the British have left the subcontinent , we still cant do away with their simplest and most fundamental way of gaining control over us ( via ‘Divide and Rule’)
Gandhi , Jinnah and their associates have been fighting using their methods to prove their respective points. And frankly , I felt that they wasted all their time if all they achieved was a small piece of land , dividing us,  which no one could use.
There are chances that when in a foreign country, one might not be able to distinguish between  an Indian and a Pakistani. They look the same , have the same mentality and line of thought, the same feelings , similar language and the similar culture. So as it turns out it is only the 10 meters of land that separates us.

WHAT A WASTE!!!

Most of the people who actually run the landmass on the other side of the LoC were actually born on present day Indian soil. Like wise  the some of the people who currently hold the Government posts in ‘Hindustan’ were actually born in current day Pakistan.

Today, every terrorist attack is seen as a form of communal violence. Terrorists are created by arousing brotherhood towards people of the same religion.  Just because I am Hindu or Muslim,  it should not matter to anyone. Its a personal choice in a free democratic republic.

Is is really justified?


ANCESTRO-IDIOCRASY

March 28, 2009

“Do u think that Varun Gandhi should be allowed to contest election?”

Ans: ” No I think he is spoiling the name of the Gandhi’s. After all he is from the family of Indira Gandhi and Mahatma Gandhi”

Well in a country of about 1.1 BILLION official citizens, we still feel that people with the same surname are each others blood relatives. Well, if u go back to the beginning, we all started from 2 people- Adam and Eve. In that case, all of us are blood relatives. Sure, the whites from USA and the blacks from AFRICA, and the browns and yellows from ASIA are of course all related.

But anyways, in todays world, it seems that they take it for granted that  I am related to the bollywood car designer Dilip Chhabria. Its frustrating sometimes.
Did I ask any Chawla, whether her aunt went upto the moon?
Did I ask a Murthy to get me a Software job?
Did I ask any Mirza, if her sister plays tennis for India?
Did I not abuse Saddam in front of a Hussein?
Did I ask any Ibrahim for stolen gold and money?
Did I not protest against the Iraq war in front of a Bush?
Did I ask any Singh to teach me how to spin the cricket ball?
Did I ask a Khan to invite all his uncles to my Party?
Did I ask a Kapoor to get me to meet his cousin’s supermodel girlfriend?

DID I ?

Then why do I have to face this? I just dont get it.

I do believe in the Six Degrees Of Separation (see:  Six Degrees ) but that does not mean that we have this connection by means of the same Surname. I mean the Indian Diaspora is spread out so much that anyone we know could be more related to someone from a different country, different citizenship, different ethinicity.
Thank god that this ‘Idiocrasy’ is limited only to surnames. What if the people started relating people according to names. Imagine the confusion. Every Sachin would be flanked by cricket fans, asking for autographs. Every Dawood would have to be arrested for being in the family of a don.  Every Osama would be hunted down by the FBI, CIA, MI6, etc . And all related names would also be eyed with suspicion (I would say …Obama is really lucky!!!)  . And Mohammad would have the biggest family tree in the world.

Well, we must understand. There are about 6 billion humans on this Earth. Each one as different as their finger-prints and just as equal as their  basic anatomy. What then is the use in grouping people according to their names and surnames and dividing them in the name of colour, religion and other meaningless grounds.

On a less lighter note, let us strive to make the place a better place to live in. Where each one is equal and respected. And thus the planet can be a much more livable place.


DAS NOT AUTO!!!

March 23, 2009

Have ever cribbed that u never reach ur destination on time? Have u ever have to justify ‘ where the hell ‘ u were to avoid any suspicion? Have u ever wished u had never taken this road, or that one? Have people ever died in a traffic jam ? Have houses and offices been destroyed to nothing, just because the Fire Brigade could not reach on time?

Well if u have ever faced any of the above problems, u will know why today is a day that I will wish had never come.

Yes, it is true, for sure. The Nano is here, to make life miserable for everyone. Yeah, it does sound good, for just $2500 u can drive ur own car.  ‘The people’s car’ , as it is widely known , is supposed to be the realization of Mr.Ratan Tata’s dream

The NANO!!!

The NANO!!!

Welcome to the world where there will soon be a car every 3.1metres. And a dustbin ‘carcass’ every 10 metres, and a mall and multiplex every 100 metres. Sounds insane, but it is true.

When will Mr.Ratan Tata  get the point?
Hey Mr.Tata, u are already 70 years old. Y are u making the world more intolerable place to live in than it already is?

All our efforts to curb global warming will now go straight to the dogs.

Today, Mumbai has probably got amongst the highest number of illegal driving licenses than anywhere in the world. Almost everyday we see the drivers of the best ‘BEST’ buses bumping off some innocent chap on the roads .

Furthermore, There will be no control over the migration from the other states, thus causing the population of Mumbai to increase from 21 million to …. (even the thought would drive any Mumbaikar crazy). Of course, the various senas will keep going to jail, over various issues. Net crime rate would increase- Murders, Rapes,  Robberies etc etc etc … Oh, I almost forgot the health issues. Anybody interested?

The Nano , although appears to be a very small measurement in mathematical context, can spell DOOM for the country. And before u know it ,the result of Mr.Tata’s  REM could have us spending sleepless nights.

But whats the use of talking about the future, when the Nano has started affecting us  even before it plans to touch Indian roads. News reports state that most of the second-hand car market has suffered a serious blow. Most of the used car dealers have cut down the price of the cars by anywhere between 15-25%.

Although this car has taken the whole world by storm, and made car manufacturing leaders wake up and think, this car is nothing short of a little imp who is lurking around waiting to attack at the right time.

The Shanghai dream, will soon become the ‘Ghai-Ghai dream’

seriously

‘DAS NOT AUTO’!!!


Angrezi Misuse

March 21, 2009

‘English is a very funny language’

This is one sentence that every teacher uses in her class, but for different reasons. The English teacher uses it to make her subject more interesting. The Hindi teacher uses it to ridicule the defacto world language. Well, other subject teachers also use it, but that’s only when they don’t know the pronunciation, or perhaps they had the  ’sleep of tongue’.

What ever the reason … I am sure you have heard this sentence hundreds of times.

Statistics show that this sentence is used only in countries where the people have bad (and i mean really bad ) grammar. Oh yeah, how else would they be exposed to the funnier side of the language which has tortured me for what seemed to be like a lifetime.

Indian people seem to believe that they have the liberty to place a ‘a’, ‘the’, and ‘na’ where ever they want. Why then have they got a reputation of being miser ????????

  • “hey dude, I have to go to a party , but I dont want to go alone. Please give me a company na “Dude, Sorry I cant give u the company because it belongs to my father. Will have to ask him first.
  • “Hey, you are coming to college, na?”Do you even want me to answer that? If yes …WHAT ON EARTH AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY???
  • “sorry dude, my bad.”huh?what are u talking about ? bad what? isn’t it a freaking ADJECTIVE???  you are supposed to DESCRIBE something. DESCRIBE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! argh!!!!!!

Well agreed, there is a serious problem with English in my country. But should we really try and improve our English or actually go ahead and explain that the true meaning of our English has much more depth than the comparatively shallow Brit English which only has a snobbish accent. It wouldn’t be the first time that this has happened.

It happened in 1590-1591 when this seemingly crazy English guy came up with his own English and became one of the most famous playwrights in the history of mankind.Making a big mess of his own language was successful in bringing him the title of ‘Sir’.

Wow, this could be the next level of global exposure to Indians. They are not supposed to make sense anyways, the perception depends on the reader. So be it……!!!!!!
There could be a modified English for every state of this diverse country

  • Maharashtraian English
  • Gujarati English
  • Goan English
  • Karnataka English
  • Tamil English
  • Punjabi English

And the best of the lot

‘BIHARI ENGLISH’ or Yadavian English….

Further English screw-ups


The funniest joke

March 19, 2009

After much pain, suffering, pulling billions of strands of hair (of my head), and scanning my brain for ideas….i have finally come up with my own blog …phew!!!

‘Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly;

Devils fall because of their gravity.’

very well said, isnt it.But yet it seems like nobody seems to understand it. Ok ..i will come to the point.

‘My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.’
-George Bernard Shaw

I remember very well. We were off to the college IEEE trip, and the 2.5 day train journey was making me bored, and exhausted. The boredom was punctuated with small spells of random card games (which i can never understand) , some Uno and a few eunuchs asking for alms. But the most annoying of them all were the pantry car employees. Agreed, yeah they provide world class service (i mean breakfast in bed, lunch in bed, dinner in bed, bed tea, bed snacks, bed water, bed …..et cetera) …but damn it …when I am sleeping/relaxing the last thing i want to hear is ‘KHAAANA BOLOOOO KHAAAAAANAAAAAA’. once, twice, thrice it just doesnt stop!!!. In fact it gets worse. Once when i finally decided to catch on some sleep after a mediocre maths paper that day. there he was , asking if anyone wanted food, akin to what we face on the signals of Aamchi Mumbai ..everyday. The difference- here I couldn’t push him off my window( ha …he was inside the train…)

And so i decided to go ahead and answer him. Just as they say ‘Dont get mad…get even.’ ‘KHAAANA BOLOOOO KHAAAAAANAAAAAA’. and without a second thought I turned to him and yelled -’KHAAAAAANAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA’

The expression on his face is one thing that i will never forget in my life.Firstly, he looked at me, all surprised, astonished , or should i say , stunned. And then he smiled, figuring out that in fact …. i was the one who was right.

Hey, don’t blame me (or my sense of humor), I just gave him what he wanted, what he was desperately asking everyone in the train. Without a doubt, i just spoke the truth. His Bad, not mine.

Well before i knew it. i had just created a new genre of jokes. I call it the BOL jokes.

Well, it is true.

The truth is the funniest joke in the world.


Hello world!

March 19, 2009

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